August 21, 2015

A Penny for my Thoughts

I have a thousand words to write at this moment, but none of them complete. I'm thinking of pride and being proud of someone else. I'm amazed at the human mind and how we're tempted so easily but can also be so strong and can push away the temptation with endless persistence.

I'm thinking about right and wrong and about what builds our belief system and what causes one person to see light and one person to reject it.

I'm thinking about goodbyes and leaving and how often I've left and how now when I meet someone new I wonder when I will have to leave them or watch them leave me. I'm trying to decide if it's easier to be the one who leaves or the one who stays. I think the goodbye at the airport almost missing the next flight was the worst, because it's embarrassing to cry on a plane full of people. But the emptiness of staying just leaves a whole lot of reminders where the other person was once.

I am thinking of stress and wondering why all this college stuff feels so complicated and so restricting and I know I can't quit but I'm not sure why. And I'm trying to get excited and believing is but then remembering the hard work and the long days and the loneliness of it all.

I am thinking of family and of how much I love the people I used to live with and how my brother can do the same thing twice and make me laugh the first time but annoy me to death the second time. I'm thinking of my parents and which traits each of them has given me and what about them I want to copy and what I want to change and wondering if I'm not already a set blend of both.

I'm thinking of suffering and sickness and how unfair everything seems sometimes.

I'm thinking of the blessings this summer and of the extraordinary joy of reunion after months apart. I'm thinking of happiness and how my emotions are always at the extremes, and I am trying to remember how often this summer I've experienced the extremes of joy. There's that kind of deep happy that makes my whole self believe that I can fly.
These are the moments when we're standing together "gazing into each other's eyes" as my little brother said in his mocking songs. It's the moments of deep conversation when words I would have found nearly impossible to talk about with other people become so easy and so necessary. I feel like we can capture all of life in one conversation sometimes.
The moments of walking down a mountain next to my mom trying to help her down the jagged steps while also keeping myself going and checking to make sure I'm breathing all right, knowing if I need a break everyone around me would gladly stop for me.
The moment tonight when my sister showed me how to make a book and gave me all the necessary components to make one. I'm so lucky to have a sister who would help me make my own notebook.
The moments of taking pictures with cars. Our family pictures always seem to have some car or other in the background. I guess it's a fitting symbol of our ever moving family. We're like a whole lot of cars with no good parking garage.

Now I'm just thinking of the video game my brother is playing beside me and of the three hour drive we get to take tomorrow to another part of colorado and the fact they at this moment I should be sleeping since we leave at six in the morning. I'm thinking of how little I've written this summer and how much I've missed sharing my thoughts through words and how there's still so much to say but I have a lot more ways to share. 

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