January 23, 2016


I love the word "chaos." Call me crazy, but it's just such a great word. It sounds nice, it looks nice written down, it's definitely so perfectly captures so many moments for me.

I have a quote in front of my desk by Nietzsche that says: "You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star." I love this quote, partly because I love chaos and I love stars. (My poetry professor read a poem and commented that he had seen a few poems of mine with great lines about stars. "You should combine these poems into a star-themed chapbook," he told me.  I love the idea and I think it will be a project this semester.)

My life is chaotic. Disorder; total confusion. I suppose "total" might be a slight exaggeration, but there definitely is disorder and chaos. I've only had a week of my fourth semester but it's going to be intense. I am taking 6 classes and working an average of 15 hours of week. I'm in the midst of starting a literary magazine. And someone I still sleep eight hours a night and have friends. 

This week was a mess of trying to figure out my schedule, spending the time to map out a whole Google Calendar to try and stay organized. Now I have a weekend with no concrete plans and it's beautiful. I'm hoping to get homework done for the entire week, if possible, because I know that once the week starts I won't have any time for anything except running from place to place.

But... the chaos is kind of nice too. I'm so stoked about my classes this semester. Children's Literature, Creative Non-Fiction, Intermediate Poetry, Heroes and Heroines, Writing Portfolio, and Songwriting. They're all so interesting with super unique and crazy and talented professors and with assignments I'm already excited about. They're so worth it.

I got to meet with my favorite professor this week to ask for my poetry anthology from his class last year and to tell him about my literary magazine. He was a blast to talk to, as usual, and I left the office feeling so happy. While me and a couple friends were there he asked us, "is this school good?" The question broke my heart because I don't want to even consider the possibility that he could leave. But I had to answer that it is. This year and a half of college has not been easy. Vermont is cold. My boyfriend, my close friends, and my family are all impossibly far away. I could have left by now if I wanted to. (Trust me, I have thought about it.) But I haven't left, and at this point I kind of know that I'm not going to. I have too many amazing friends here. There's too good of a writing community. I've had too many amazing classes and professors. I have to acknowledge that this is a good school, for all its chaos.

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