May 15, 2015

Existence Beyond the Canyon

Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck on some twisted roller coaster. Yesterday I spent a vast amount of my day taking personality tests for my characters and doing some research for each type. My main character, Equity Blue, came out as INTJ, which also happens to be my boyfriend's personality type, and I spent forever reading every detail on that page.

It's so crazy to me to read that this personality type "may go so far as to claim they have no emotions at all." Of course the site explains that INTJs aren't just cold-blooded and emotionless, and in fact may have deeper feelings simply because of the fact that they typically don't pay much attention to feelings and therefore aren't used to feelings when they do arise and can't just be pushed down.

My INTJ boyfriend does have a tendency to just kind of push emotion aside. He'll just kind of shut down emotions and have a good day because there's just no rational reason for being sad or angry or any of those negative emotions, so he can just let the rational, logical side take over and act as though he's emotionless. I know he's not, and I probably get to see more glimpses of the deeper emotions than most, but still.

I am an INFP, and kind of the complete opposite. Emotions swoop in and sometimes it feels like there's nothing I can do about it. I'll just feel sad for no reason, even after the best day imaginable, or I'll suddenly get these massive burst of happiness when suddenly I can do anything and be anything. I can't imagine being able to tone down the emotion and choose to feel a certain way. I just don't know how.

I think this is part of why my main character for this next book is an INTJ. It's like my way of imagining what life would be like from that other perspective. I'm building a character who is so different from myself, and right now during this break in life as I wait to hear back from some job (any job {I handed out three more resumes today and got an interview set up Monday for City Market}) I am taking the time off to really explore Equity's brain and find out how she functions and why.

That sounds kind of weird now that it's written down, considering this character exists only in imagination. I'm going to drive myself crazy by talking to these voices in my head.

I want to write more, my fingers are full of energy tonight. But it's getting late and I have to work out and read a couple chapters of my Bible and maybe one or two more from my current read Wizard of Earthsea before I head to sleep. Plus, my computer battery is about to die and I am one of the laziest creatures on earth right now and my plug on the other side of the room is just too far away. See? Emotions. I get sad for no reason and then that turns into laziness. It's a never ending struggle.

Here's a poem I am considering using as a part of Equity Blue. Definitely needs some work, but here is a preliminary draft. It should definitely have some punctuation as well, but as I said, laziness. So here's a first draft, enjoy. Thoughts on improvement always welcome. Or thoughts on whatever, really.

I write the stars into existence
with a flick of my hand
create their blinking eyes
watch them dance against the black paint
of this night sky

I write the sky
because I cannot stand the earth
I sit in a cave made of books
and tread lightly
head down
so they will not even know I breathe

I do not belong
in this earth of deep canyons
tearing through the desert of my heart
and I long to escape the flash floods
and crushing weight of rockslides
pushing me always further down
into the crevices of this dust

The furthest I can see from earth
is that white hole in the black sky
and all the twinkling little stars
who mock my cage
and laugh at gravity

With a flick of my hand 
I write the stars into existence
and dream-
how this ink makes me dream-
that I, too, can one day
fly away.

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