Face off with Failure

Dealing with failure. Sometimes we just fail. Nothing goes the way we hope and expect and we just have to face failure. So what do we do? How do we handle failure?

I've been applying for summer jobs for at least three months now, and nothing at all has come through, except for a job at camp which I turned down because I thought I had so many other options and I didn't want to have to spend a whole summer essentially off the grid. Long distance relationships are hard enough without only being able to talk once a week.

But application after application and interviews and phone calls and yet I'm still sitting here with no job. I'm facing failure right now, and it hurts.

After my interview at the grocery store today I bought myself an iced coffee to celebrate one more interview done and trick myself into thinking how great a chance I had and how everything was going to work out. But then I got home and my sister asked how the interview went and it was like a tidal wave punched me in the stomach.

The required background check can take anywhere from three days to two weeks, and my interviewer said it will take longer if I've ever lived out of state. Great. Not only have I lived in Colorado, Vermont and Indiana in the last seven years, I've also lived in two different states in Mexico and I did a couple months in Europe. Considering what I know about Mexican Bureaucracy, which my English teacher and good friend compared to a tangled ball of Oaxaca Cheese, they'll probably never finish the background check. If they do, it'll for sure take the whole two weeks.

And then there's always that possibility that after those two weeks I'll get a call saying I don't get the job. Or more likely I won't get any calls, since that seems to be the trend with all the thousands of places I've applied to. I mean, as much as the rejection hurts, it's better than the uncertainty and abandonment of not even getting a call. I'm not even worth a phone call to hear that they don't want me.

And now it's too late to apply anywhere. Summer is pretty much already here, and business have already hired the people they want, as was explained to me in a ten minute long voice mail by the only business who did call back. "I'm applying late in the game." I wonder if she would have said that if she knew how many hours I've spent trying to find a job.

So my first reaction to dealing with failure was to mumble something to my sister and run up to my room, close the door, throw myself on the bed and cry into my pillow. Makeup and tears don't mix well. I hope the mascara doesn't stain the sheets...

My second reaction is to write about it, because sometimes when I'm feeling awful writing it all down helps me to see that it really isn't the end of the world and I'm just overreacting.

I don't know what the next step is. My sister said I should call my mom, but I'm not up to talking to anyone except paper (or theoretical paper here on the computer screen). I'll call her later and see if there are any places in this tiny little town I haven't applied to yet. I'll pray my voice out that somehow the background check will only take three days and I'll get a call telling me I got the job. Any job.

I know God has some sort of plan not just for my life but for this summer. It's just really hard to see what that could be when every door I try to walk through seems to just slam back into my face. I don't know what to do anymore except try to use this unwanted free time to work on my novel some more and crank out poems that hopefully aren't awful. Here's to writing- apparently the only thing I can do.

Caves and Camping

Imagine yourself in the depths of the earth sitting on the hold, hard, metal seats of a little boat. There are fourteen people on the boat with and most of them don't know how to shut their mouth for more than a few seconds at a time. However, we stop in front of "Gibraltar Rock" and the tour guide turns off the lights and for a few seconds we get to experience total darkness. The blackness feels tangible, it's so thick. And then the lights come back on and I just want to close my eyes because the darkness was so beautiful. And then... then the tour guide pulls out a Native American flute and starts to play, and for once everyone is silent and the music echoes of the cave walls and it sounds so amazing.

Definitely one of the highlights of my week long camping trip. There's just something about caves... I know they're supposed to at least be a little bit scary, but somehow the silence and darkness felt more relaxing than anything. It was also pretty amazing when my aunt and I detoured away from the trail and explored a little cave on our own. We couldn't make it very far inside before it was all water, but it was so neat to watch the walls sparkled and find a cave salamander and some crickets and lots of frogs.

Speaking of frogs... I also watched one of the other girls on the camping trip chase a frog straight into a snake's waiting mouth. So traumatizing to watch the snake gulp down the poor little frog that wouldn't have died if I hadn't seen it and pointed it out to the other girl...

Oh, and I cannot forget the biggest adventure of hitting a deer on the way down. I was in the passengers seat and got to sit and watch as my windshield suddenly turned brown for a second. Lots of damage to the driver's car, but neither of us were hurt which was definitely a blessing.

Beautiful hikes, indescribable devotions in the sunlight every morning, and breath taking stars. I even got to see a lunar eclipse. All in all a very good camping trip, even with the disappointment that came right before, when my brother wasn't allowed to fly alone from Mexico to come and spend the week with me. I really miss my family, and it's been so long since I've seen any of them. It was so hard to hear that my brother wasn't coming after weeks of looking forward to seeing him.

Unfortunately, while I did write several pages worth of words, nothing worth showing anyone. I still have all of these ideas for the upcoming Equity Blue, but something is still holding me back from writing it. Maybe it's all the uncertainties and changing aspects of my life. It's hard to write when I'll be in a different state every week for the next few weeks.

Which brings me to wonderful news- I'm going to Chicago!!! I get to spend a week up in Chicago with my boyfriend and his family and some other families that used to go to my school in Mexico. I cannot wait to see some familiar faces from Mexico and spend some time with friends. And, of course, I am excited beyond words to see my boyfriend again after months of rare Skype calls and some emails and lots of Facebook messages passed back and forth as I moved from country to country. Five more days until I get to see him in person!! I cannot wait!

So not much happening in the pages for me right now, but a lot of adventure outside of them.

Summer Sun

It's raining today. Not pouring down rain, but a calm, steady rain that actually has raindrops, unlike the rain in England. It's the kind of day that makes me want to curl up with a book and a cup of tea. Oh wait, I already did that for several hours this morning.

However, most days this summer have been sunny and humid and warm. It's been a relaxing summer so far, a nice slowing down of life after the crazy excitement of my Europe travels. I know it's just a lull though, ready to jump right back up as soon as August hits and I have to go off to college. Or get to. Or something.

I decided that I probably should update, because life has slowed down but certainly hasn't stopped since returned to this side of the world. I have been enjoying the company of my wonderful grandparents and my aunt and uncle and cousin, and even though this is just a small part of my family and there's a bit of a hole where all the other members should be and aren't, it has certainly been great to be here.

Fourth of July seemed to have taken up the last two or three weeks, with fireworks and firecrackers going off every night from 9-12 or later, and lots of picnics with way too much good food. People at Capernwray talked about gaining Cape pounds because of all the potatoes, but somehow there my pants kept getting looser. Not anymore. Then again, that may have just as much to do with the fact that now I'm actually washing clothes since I don't have to pay ridiculous amounts of money for laundry.

Sunday was the church picnic from my grandparents' church, and I had a lot of fun running around the playground pretending to be a kid again with my cousin and some of his friends. The day before I also 'played' tennis and badminton and volleyball and ping-pong- and somehow every game ended with everyone just acting ridiculous and basically just throwing or hitting whatever ball in any and every direction and laughing. Am I really that bad at sports that it's not even possible to attempt an actual game of anything? Apparently, but it is much more entertaining to laugh and forget about the idea of competition anyway.

Unfortunately, as far as writing goes- free time actually seems to hinder my writing effort. I mean, I wrote so much more when I was busy. I wrote Shadow Whispers while finishing up my junior year of highschool while taking three AP classes along with the normal ones, and when I attempting my poem a day for April I wrote so many poems while travelling. It's like I write best when I know there's something else I should be doing instead of writing. Now that I have an entire day basically free to do whatever I want, I just can't motivate myself to go write anything. I wrote fifty-one poems in April but have written two in July. It doesn't make any sense!

Although, now that I think about it, the fact that I'm reading A Tree Grows in Brooklyn may have something to do with it, since I find it incredibly hard to set down that book. In fact I can hear it calling to me right now...