Shadow Sleep

I am exhausted. A part of my mind is telling me the logical answer. "Go finish your homework and then do your devotions, and then go to sleep."

But then there's that part of me- that Writer part.

The part that says- "You can't decide whether to do your homework or edit your novel. Here's a great idea; do neither. Write a blog that probably no one will ever read."

Yeah. Obviously that part won out.

And yet- I'm still trying to convince myself that I do not need to edit my novel. That my goal to finish in October was an unrealistic and unnecessary one. That there is no law telling me that I must write a novel in a year. And yet.

I can feel the Whisperers pulling me, and the notebook on my lap with the vocabulary words I am supposed to be looking up- yeah, that's doing nothing.

I need to write.

The feeling is consuming me at the moment, and even the flashing lights that look just as tired as I feel can't stop the obsession that's practically tearing me apart. I have to give in. I don't have any choice, not anymore.

Homework will have to wait- because the Shadow will give me no rest.

I will have my voice heard.

Perhaps my greatest motivation right now is the thought that the sooner I finish Shadow Whispers, the sooner I get to start on Shadow Remnants, and then on to the next book and then the next book and the next and the next, and on and on for who knows how many more nights that I should be sleeping and am not because the Shadow is calling to me again and my fingers are tapping like wild animals and I cannot sleep and I cannot rest

and
I
will
write.

Reviews, Nerds, and Chocolate Fondue

I have said before, and will probably say again, that I am a nerd. I even have a shirt that says "Nerds need love, too" and has a cute picture of a little nerd girl. (Actually I have two- one with the girl and one with a girl and a boy.)

I also love to write- duh- and love to talk about writing with other writers. Unfortunately, I don't have many writing friends, or any, really.

Some time ago, I really don't know how long ago it was that I joined, but I found a website called the Young Writers Society. I think of it a little bit like a Facebook for writers. You get to post your work and have it edited and reviewed by tons of other writers. I don't know how many bits of poetry or short stories I have posted there, and I'm sure my writing has improved because of that.

So I just Googled YWS, but this picture is one of the first that came up, and that is my poem! I wrote that, see my name there? Yeah. I was in the Literary Spotlight and someone took a picture and posted it onto this website.

But even more than my works being reviewed, I've reviewed a lot of works myself. I think it's such great writing practice, because it allows me to see what I don't like in other writing and then avoid it in my own writing. It trains me to focus on negative aspects of the things that I read so that I will also be more aware of those same negative aspects when I write. It works really well, and I love it.

Well, this Young Writers Society also has special contests and such. The Knights of the Green Room, for example, a brotherhood of writers who works hard to make sure that every work posted on the site gets at least two good reviews. I am pleased to say that I joined this knighthood and you can know refer to me as Knight Cailey.



YWS Knight

This weekend was the "Review Day" in which members divide into two teams and review as much as they can. Reviews can earn up to 150 points, depending on how long it is and how many previous reviews have been posted. I am proud to say that my Review Team won, and I passed my self-imposed goal of twenty reviews and instead wrote 24.

Keep in mind- that means that I also had to read 24 different pieces. Some poetry, one or two short stories, and a lot of novel segments. It was a lot of reading, and I must be insane for still being on my computer to blog about the whole thing.

Insane, or extremely nerdy.
 I just feel like I need to mention this site again.

And the chocolate fondue? Not much of a story there. Just prove of how much my mother loves me. <3

Oh- and the Whisperers, of course. I have about forty pages left to read. We're getting closer!

A Penny For My Thoughts

Sometimes I don't even know what thoughts are going through my head. I don't know if you've ever felt that way, where it feels like you are just thinking too many things and so they all cancel out and your mind ends up completely empty. And yet all the other thoughts are still racing around just behind that wall of emptiness, and you can't catch any of them. I think this feeling is frustrating. I like to go through my days with clear and concise thoughts that flow together in some form of organization with clear transitions from one thought to another.

Kind of like writing.

(PS: I've never been very good at the whole stream of conscious writing thing. Like I said, I like organization and clear formatting.)

So today I am going to attempt to catch some of my thoughts and force the little trains to ride on the right track in the right direction. Let's pray for no collisions.

Picture from here.

October is coming up, and it's coming up fast.

So what?

Well, a year ago, I first started writing Shadow Whispers in the month of October. I wrote for three months. Stopped and did major editing for three months. Gave it out to people to read for two months. Worked on draft three for two months, and am hoping to finish up with the fourth draft by the end of these last two months.

Which means I'll be done in a year.

And I get to send the Whisperers out to visit some publishers.

And then I'll probably need to go back through with a fifth draft, maybe even more.

The thought terrifies me. But it's also exciting.

I mean, what if I actually do get published???

I don't know why the idea of being published sounds so scary to me right now. Maybe I have it all wrong. (Come on, trains, I told you to stay on the right track!)  Maybe the thing I'm scared of is not ever getting published. But somehow, I think maybe the first thing was just as true as the second. Writing is just a scary process altogether.


Okay, switching trains completely. My dearest older sister's wedding pictures are out! She looked so incredibly gorgeous and amazing and lovely and happy, and she and her groom looked absolutely perfect together, even with a foot of height separating them.

(I wish I could post a picture for you, but unfortunately I was not married and do not have access to the pictures. Sorry!)


And the next train, S or W? As I mentioned in the "Pages and More Pages" page up at the top there, I'm reading Scarlet Letter for school. And for a project we are going to each wear a letter that represents us attached to our clothes somehow. And my first thought was W, but now I'm worried that a W is just too obvious. So should I represent myself as a Writer or a Storyteller? Any thoughts?



And from here.

And here.

Hm. I don't know if I have any more trains left to jump on. Well, I'm sure I could find plenty if I dig around in my brain long enough. But none blog worthy, I don't think.

Oh, PE. We're playing football (which I have hated with a passion all the other years we played) but now all the "good" players are graduated, and I'm one of the oldest kids in class. And somehow, maybe just because I've played football every year for the last three years in PE, somehow I'm one of the better players. (What??! That NEVER happens. With any sport. Ever.)
But anyway, I'm the quarterback!! Yay me, right! Wish me luck, and pray that I don't make a fool out of myself, and can at least get one good pass.

And here.

Enough trains for today. I need to go and get ready for school.

Taught to Teach

How in the world do you go about teaching English to a bunch of kids (seven of them, to be exact) ranging from ages 4 to 7, some of whom know absolutely no English and some of whom have taken classes and know the basics.

It's tough, trust me.

This teaching thing is the latest big thing in my life, right now, and it's a lot of work. I mean, I never wanted to be a teacher, that was always my sister's dream, not mine. And I'm not complaining; it really isn't so bad, but it isn't my ideal job.

I just...

I can't discipline.

The kids are all running all over the place screaming and I'm just standing in front, "so this color is red..." and I feel like none of the kids are even listening.

Stress

It's stressful.

Plus, it's one more thing to add to my busy schedule, one more thing to take away my precious writing time.

However, things are definitely shaping up, and- I think- can only get better from here on out. For one, my dad is back from his trip back to the USA, and so he'll be teaching the older group (from ages 11 to 13) leaving me with the younger ones and a lot less variety.

Plus, now I know who the kids are and know what level each one is at. (Well, theoretically at least.)

And, someone came over on Saturday to teach me how to teach. He showed me the basic lesson plan I need to have and even set up a Word document that I could fill out before each class.

I think I can handle this now. Oh, and get paid for the first week helped too, I must admit.

Now I just need to figure out how to juggle all of this. School, Romans on the Roof, Student Council, Junior/Senior beach trip fundraisers, English classes, Reading, and of course, Writing.

Link

I don't know how I'm going to do it. But I've survived high school so far. I can hold on for another semester, right? I'm one fourth of the way done, anyway. Yeah, right? Half way through first quarter, two quarters in a semester.... yeah, one fourth of the way through.

Just three more fourths. I can totally do this, right?

Link

Beyond the Blinds

"I try to pay attention, honestly I do. But outside the window I hear the sun calling to me, practically begging me to join her in her frolic. I want to give in. I want to join the blue sky in its search for freedom, and play catch with the clouds.

This room feels something like a prison, trapping me from all the things that my heart longs to do. Despite all of my attempts to keep my wandering brain focused on the matter at hand- I cannot truly listen of absorb the words that continue to slide over my head. I fail to find motivation as the grade I will receive from this class is my sole purpose for sitting here in the first place.

How I long to escape this cage! the blinds blocking the world from view only taunt my imagination- as I fins myself creating the view that I could see if the blinds rose. Anything could be on the other side, anything at all.

Here in this stifling room there is no space for magic, but beyond the blinds anything could be waiting. If I could only make a mad dash for the door- where I can see nothing but greens and yellows- but I cannot. I am trapped. Whether by my own foolishness or by the pressure from everyone around me, I do not know, but it hardly matters. The fact is all hope is lost, and the time for change has gone.... "


So, I wrote this today in school- (don't judge). The truth is, I am a nerd, and I do enjoy learning and taking (and passing) notes, and I love the influx of knowledge that school provides. But at the same time... Sometimes all I want to do is write, or read, and I can't stand sitting there hearing how many electrons are in each energy level. I can't help thinking to myself: "What does it matter?" I mean, I know it matters, and I know a lot of people care.

So I was just going to post the link to show where I got the picture from...
but this site cracked me up.
And confirmed my status as a Nerd. :D

Just, I don't. I won't use it after college, or after high school if I'm lucky, and I don't see why I need to do all these things that are keeping me from the one thing I really love: writing.

I read all these dystopian novels, (Hunger Games, The Giver, Divergent, 1984, etc...) and I see everything wrong with the supposed utopia that these people have created. And I can't help but wonder how much of the problems are already beginning in our society. It's easy for me to read the Giver and see the kids getting their jobs assigned to them and think that maybe there's a problem.

From here.

Yet I almost feel like people are planning out my future too. You're going to go to school, and you are going to take these classes, and you are going to go to college and you are going to get a job and learn how to drive and make money and have a family.

And I sometimes wonder how much of a say I get in the matter. Isn't it my life anyway? Or are we just a dystopia of our own, and we only think we get to choose. (Like the Choosing Ceremony in Divergent.)

Maybe none of it matters anyway.

Maybe I want to go through with this preplanned future anyway. I think I do most of the time.

But sometimes- all I want to do is write.

Stifled Magic

I always feel as though I do not read enough. In fact, I feel somewhat like a hypocrite- because as a writer I should be reading as much as I can, and encouraging others to read more, as well.

The thing is, when I read (if I'm reading a good book) I tend to get so engrossed in the story that I forget to write my own. Sometimes I can handle the mesh of two stories, but some books are so well written that their story trickles down into every part of my mind, until I know that I will never be able to write my own words until I've finished with the others.

I'm worried that this new book I've picked up is going to have a similar effect. A friend recommended Divergent, by Veronica Roth, and I certainly pass on the recommendation. However, it's difficult to put down (which for most people would be a very good thing.)
The problem is, now all I want to do with a moment of spare time is read, and my writing is sadly lacking.

Link

Fortunately, because I'm enjoying the book so much, I'm moving quickly, and I wouldn't be surprised if I finish reading it before this week is up.

Unfortunately, there's a sequel, and of course I will need to read it as well.

Link

I have not given up on the Whisperers, though, and I will return to them the second I finish Divergent. I just hope there isn't anything so memorable that it accidentally slips into my writing. I hate having to go back and change names and places because they sound too much like the city in Lord of the Rings or the capital in the Hunger Games or the daughter in Twilight or the Shadow in Inkheart. Obviously everything I read takes a place in what I write.

Still- I'm not trying to use that as an excuse to stop reading so that I will never have anything that isn't mine. Although, that would also mean I can't watch any movies. Or talk to any people.

Another Link

Maybe if I read more and watch more and talk more, I'll have so many hidden ideas fighting for a place in my writing that none of them will be as significant or as prominent.

Anyway- I digress.

The facts are: Divergent is a fantastic but consuming book, and everything you read will someday come back to haunt you.

A Page of Instruction

I never wanted to be a teacher. Honestly, my sister is the one in college studying to teach Spanish as a second language. She was the one who always wanted to help out with Sunday School classes at church, and she was probably the better babysitter, too. 

So how have I ended up doing so many different teaching jobs?

It isn't that I don't like kids, because for the most part I do, I just don't like teaching. I'd much rather just lose myself in the words that I wrote and think only about my own job and then let people take the words I wrote and teach themselves- without me having to actually be right there leading the learning.

I know I sound like I'm just complaining, and maybe I am, but I just feel a bit overwhelmed by this new responsibility. It isn't something thrust upon me without any of my approval or consent. I did agree to this, and I wanted to do it. I still do, I think.

You must think I've gone crazy. "What in the world are you talking about? Teaching what?"

English classes, my friend. I am now an English teacher here in Oaxaca, Mexico, and I am somehow supposed to come up with my own syllabus that will teach four and five year olds who know nothing about English and barely know how to count in Spanish. Of course, I also have two six year olds who have taken classes and know the very basics- such as colors and numbers and parts of the body.

Oh, and did I mention energy? Because these are high-energy kids;  much more high-energy than my senioritis self. I don't know what I've gotten myself into, and I'm not sure if I can handle it.

It doesn't help that  this first week I need to teach all the kids in my group plus the older kids (ages 11-13) because the other teacher (aka: my dad) decided to agree to teach and then run off to the USA for the first week of school.

So today I had two hours of teaching English with a completely mixed group. I had planned to go over names and hobbies and then go through basics like numbers and colors. Actually, I was hoping I wouldn't even need to get to colors today. But- kids get bored more quickly than I thought, and the four older kids already knew all those basics. So they were probably bored out of their minds, but I couldn't get to anything harder because the younger kids would end up totally lost. And because I had nothing planned.

Not a complete disaster, but it's the kind of thing that I wish would just stay inside of books instead of coming to bother me in the real world.

Isn't this kid cute? Link

Oh, and the debate in my Bible class tomorrow... yeah, I'm dreading it. I hate debates with a passion, especially debates about why dating is better than courtship. (I'm telling you, there's something wrong with my school!)

I guess that's all for now. I'm praying that next time I write I will be able to tell you about something happening inside the pages of the Shadow Whispers, since I'm starting to get sick of the world outside of it...