Future

What does the future look like?

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Unfortunately, there is no one size fits all equation to sow exactly what your future will be like. It would be kind of nice if there was. Sometimes I think that life should be a little more like calculus, just without the homework.

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I know I've been going on and on about the future lately, but it's kind of important. I wouldn't say that I am a person who must have things planned and has organized little agendas and calendars and stuff. In fact a lot of the time I would rather not have any plans at all.
But... when I do make plans for something, then I want everything to go the way it's supposed to. I don't like plans that fail. Not at all.

So I'm a little bit hesitant to keep on making all of these plans for things that seem so far away. I mean, I grew up not necessarily knowing what country I would live in the next year.

Now I'm supposed to be making all these plans to travel Europe and study in England.
And on top of that, I'm supposed to be making plans for what college to go to. For the next four years. What? Four years? I can't even grasp the idea of so much time spent in one place.
And then there is the idea of publishing, and my future as a Writer.

Two nights ago I stayed up until 1:00 reading Shadow Whispers, and successfully finished editing the fourth draft. Which means that now I am happy with it, and want to send it out and see about getting published. I promise you this will not be easy. I don't even know how to start this whole process.

I just feel like there is so much piling up over me. So many decisions I have to make. So many opportunities I can jump on. So many plans I need to work on.

I can't say that I'm stressed, just a little bit overwhelmed.

It's confusing, and sometimes overwhelming, and always exciting.

The Struggles of a Writer

And the struggle continues.

I still want more than anything to just go sit down and finish these last thirty-some pages of Shadow Whispers, just be done with it, you know? So that I can move on to the next stage and not be so consumed by this novel.

Yet I cannot just "go write."

Okay- distractions are certainly a part of my lack of words, but I promise that isn't all of the problem. See, for this stage of editing I need to read out loud. And maybe I'm just carping, but I can't stand the idea of reading my story out loud to myself while my parents are in the kitchen making dinner.

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I just. I don't like the idea of other people hearing me while I read.

Not yet. Eventually I'll be at that point where I will want to read it out loud to people, but not yet. Not yet.

Soon, maybe, if I can make myself find time to edit. I keep staying up past 11:00 (my preferred bedtime is about 9:00, to put it into perspective.) And wondering why I am so tired at school the next day. And then, of course, my family has to listen to my Piano Guys music that drowns out my voice while I read.

Let's just say that someday I will have a separate room or cabin or something where only I am allowed to go, and where all I do is write, write, write. Or read, or edit.

Writing Cabin? I guess I'm not the only one with this idea.

You get the point, though. I need a space of my own, a space set apart entire for words.

Maybe I am just rambling. I probably am.
I just... I'm consumed. I'm infatuated. I'm obsessed.

The Whisperers are taking over my life, or at least trying to- every part of myself that isn't already overruled by school and friends and movies and books and foods and internet and whatever other distractions always lurk nearby threatening to take away my writing.

Now I definitely am just rambling. I apologize. I am a writer, though, after all.

Shadow Sleep

I am exhausted. A part of my mind is telling me the logical answer. "Go finish your homework and then do your devotions, and then go to sleep."

But then there's that part of me- that Writer part.

The part that says- "You can't decide whether to do your homework or edit your novel. Here's a great idea; do neither. Write a blog that probably no one will ever read."

Yeah. Obviously that part won out.

And yet- I'm still trying to convince myself that I do not need to edit my novel. That my goal to finish in October was an unrealistic and unnecessary one. That there is no law telling me that I must write a novel in a year. And yet.

I can feel the Whisperers pulling me, and the notebook on my lap with the vocabulary words I am supposed to be looking up- yeah, that's doing nothing.

I need to write.

The feeling is consuming me at the moment, and even the flashing lights that look just as tired as I feel can't stop the obsession that's practically tearing me apart. I have to give in. I don't have any choice, not anymore.

Homework will have to wait- because the Shadow will give me no rest.

I will have my voice heard.

Perhaps my greatest motivation right now is the thought that the sooner I finish Shadow Whispers, the sooner I get to start on Shadow Remnants, and then on to the next book and then the next book and the next and the next, and on and on for who knows how many more nights that I should be sleeping and am not because the Shadow is calling to me again and my fingers are tapping like wild animals and I cannot sleep and I cannot rest

and
I
will
write.

Reviews, Nerds, and Chocolate Fondue

I have said before, and will probably say again, that I am a nerd. I even have a shirt that says "Nerds need love, too" and has a cute picture of a little nerd girl. (Actually I have two- one with the girl and one with a girl and a boy.)

I also love to write- duh- and love to talk about writing with other writers. Unfortunately, I don't have many writing friends, or any, really.

Some time ago, I really don't know how long ago it was that I joined, but I found a website called the Young Writers Society. I think of it a little bit like a Facebook for writers. You get to post your work and have it edited and reviewed by tons of other writers. I don't know how many bits of poetry or short stories I have posted there, and I'm sure my writing has improved because of that.

So I just Googled YWS, but this picture is one of the first that came up, and that is my poem! I wrote that, see my name there? Yeah. I was in the Literary Spotlight and someone took a picture and posted it onto this website.

But even more than my works being reviewed, I've reviewed a lot of works myself. I think it's such great writing practice, because it allows me to see what I don't like in other writing and then avoid it in my own writing. It trains me to focus on negative aspects of the things that I read so that I will also be more aware of those same negative aspects when I write. It works really well, and I love it.

Well, this Young Writers Society also has special contests and such. The Knights of the Green Room, for example, a brotherhood of writers who works hard to make sure that every work posted on the site gets at least two good reviews. I am pleased to say that I joined this knighthood and you can know refer to me as Knight Cailey.



YWS Knight

This weekend was the "Review Day" in which members divide into two teams and review as much as they can. Reviews can earn up to 150 points, depending on how long it is and how many previous reviews have been posted. I am proud to say that my Review Team won, and I passed my self-imposed goal of twenty reviews and instead wrote 24.

Keep in mind- that means that I also had to read 24 different pieces. Some poetry, one or two short stories, and a lot of novel segments. It was a lot of reading, and I must be insane for still being on my computer to blog about the whole thing.

Insane, or extremely nerdy.
 I just feel like I need to mention this site again.

And the chocolate fondue? Not much of a story there. Just prove of how much my mother loves me. <3

Oh- and the Whisperers, of course. I have about forty pages left to read. We're getting closer!

A Penny For My Thoughts

Sometimes I don't even know what thoughts are going through my head. I don't know if you've ever felt that way, where it feels like you are just thinking too many things and so they all cancel out and your mind ends up completely empty. And yet all the other thoughts are still racing around just behind that wall of emptiness, and you can't catch any of them. I think this feeling is frustrating. I like to go through my days with clear and concise thoughts that flow together in some form of organization with clear transitions from one thought to another.

Kind of like writing.

(PS: I've never been very good at the whole stream of conscious writing thing. Like I said, I like organization and clear formatting.)

So today I am going to attempt to catch some of my thoughts and force the little trains to ride on the right track in the right direction. Let's pray for no collisions.

Picture from here.

October is coming up, and it's coming up fast.

So what?

Well, a year ago, I first started writing Shadow Whispers in the month of October. I wrote for three months. Stopped and did major editing for three months. Gave it out to people to read for two months. Worked on draft three for two months, and am hoping to finish up with the fourth draft by the end of these last two months.

Which means I'll be done in a year.

And I get to send the Whisperers out to visit some publishers.

And then I'll probably need to go back through with a fifth draft, maybe even more.

The thought terrifies me. But it's also exciting.

I mean, what if I actually do get published???

I don't know why the idea of being published sounds so scary to me right now. Maybe I have it all wrong. (Come on, trains, I told you to stay on the right track!)  Maybe the thing I'm scared of is not ever getting published. But somehow, I think maybe the first thing was just as true as the second. Writing is just a scary process altogether.


Okay, switching trains completely. My dearest older sister's wedding pictures are out! She looked so incredibly gorgeous and amazing and lovely and happy, and she and her groom looked absolutely perfect together, even with a foot of height separating them.

(I wish I could post a picture for you, but unfortunately I was not married and do not have access to the pictures. Sorry!)


And the next train, S or W? As I mentioned in the "Pages and More Pages" page up at the top there, I'm reading Scarlet Letter for school. And for a project we are going to each wear a letter that represents us attached to our clothes somehow. And my first thought was W, but now I'm worried that a W is just too obvious. So should I represent myself as a Writer or a Storyteller? Any thoughts?



And from here.

And here.

Hm. I don't know if I have any more trains left to jump on. Well, I'm sure I could find plenty if I dig around in my brain long enough. But none blog worthy, I don't think.

Oh, PE. We're playing football (which I have hated with a passion all the other years we played) but now all the "good" players are graduated, and I'm one of the oldest kids in class. And somehow, maybe just because I've played football every year for the last three years in PE, somehow I'm one of the better players. (What??! That NEVER happens. With any sport. Ever.)
But anyway, I'm the quarterback!! Yay me, right! Wish me luck, and pray that I don't make a fool out of myself, and can at least get one good pass.

And here.

Enough trains for today. I need to go and get ready for school.

Taught to Teach

How in the world do you go about teaching English to a bunch of kids (seven of them, to be exact) ranging from ages 4 to 7, some of whom know absolutely no English and some of whom have taken classes and know the basics.

It's tough, trust me.

This teaching thing is the latest big thing in my life, right now, and it's a lot of work. I mean, I never wanted to be a teacher, that was always my sister's dream, not mine. And I'm not complaining; it really isn't so bad, but it isn't my ideal job.

I just...

I can't discipline.

The kids are all running all over the place screaming and I'm just standing in front, "so this color is red..." and I feel like none of the kids are even listening.

Stress

It's stressful.

Plus, it's one more thing to add to my busy schedule, one more thing to take away my precious writing time.

However, things are definitely shaping up, and- I think- can only get better from here on out. For one, my dad is back from his trip back to the USA, and so he'll be teaching the older group (from ages 11 to 13) leaving me with the younger ones and a lot less variety.

Plus, now I know who the kids are and know what level each one is at. (Well, theoretically at least.)

And, someone came over on Saturday to teach me how to teach. He showed me the basic lesson plan I need to have and even set up a Word document that I could fill out before each class.

I think I can handle this now. Oh, and get paid for the first week helped too, I must admit.

Now I just need to figure out how to juggle all of this. School, Romans on the Roof, Student Council, Junior/Senior beach trip fundraisers, English classes, Reading, and of course, Writing.

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I don't know how I'm going to do it. But I've survived high school so far. I can hold on for another semester, right? I'm one fourth of the way done, anyway. Yeah, right? Half way through first quarter, two quarters in a semester.... yeah, one fourth of the way through.

Just three more fourths. I can totally do this, right?

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Beyond the Blinds

"I try to pay attention, honestly I do. But outside the window I hear the sun calling to me, practically begging me to join her in her frolic. I want to give in. I want to join the blue sky in its search for freedom, and play catch with the clouds.

This room feels something like a prison, trapping me from all the things that my heart longs to do. Despite all of my attempts to keep my wandering brain focused on the matter at hand- I cannot truly listen of absorb the words that continue to slide over my head. I fail to find motivation as the grade I will receive from this class is my sole purpose for sitting here in the first place.

How I long to escape this cage! the blinds blocking the world from view only taunt my imagination- as I fins myself creating the view that I could see if the blinds rose. Anything could be on the other side, anything at all.

Here in this stifling room there is no space for magic, but beyond the blinds anything could be waiting. If I could only make a mad dash for the door- where I can see nothing but greens and yellows- but I cannot. I am trapped. Whether by my own foolishness or by the pressure from everyone around me, I do not know, but it hardly matters. The fact is all hope is lost, and the time for change has gone.... "


So, I wrote this today in school- (don't judge). The truth is, I am a nerd, and I do enjoy learning and taking (and passing) notes, and I love the influx of knowledge that school provides. But at the same time... Sometimes all I want to do is write, or read, and I can't stand sitting there hearing how many electrons are in each energy level. I can't help thinking to myself: "What does it matter?" I mean, I know it matters, and I know a lot of people care.

So I was just going to post the link to show where I got the picture from...
but this site cracked me up.
And confirmed my status as a Nerd. :D

Just, I don't. I won't use it after college, or after high school if I'm lucky, and I don't see why I need to do all these things that are keeping me from the one thing I really love: writing.

I read all these dystopian novels, (Hunger Games, The Giver, Divergent, 1984, etc...) and I see everything wrong with the supposed utopia that these people have created. And I can't help but wonder how much of the problems are already beginning in our society. It's easy for me to read the Giver and see the kids getting their jobs assigned to them and think that maybe there's a problem.

From here.

Yet I almost feel like people are planning out my future too. You're going to go to school, and you are going to take these classes, and you are going to go to college and you are going to get a job and learn how to drive and make money and have a family.

And I sometimes wonder how much of a say I get in the matter. Isn't it my life anyway? Or are we just a dystopia of our own, and we only think we get to choose. (Like the Choosing Ceremony in Divergent.)

Maybe none of it matters anyway.

Maybe I want to go through with this preplanned future anyway. I think I do most of the time.

But sometimes- all I want to do is write.