April Means Poems

Hey folks!
Guess what? Today is April First! (As marked by the dressers stacked in front of my roommate's closet and the stuffed version of her sitting on the bed with a ransom note for kidnapped stuffed animals.)

However, aside from pranks, April First means the beginning of Poetry Month. Last year I wrote a poem a day throughout April and then missed April 29th and was devastated. So this year I'm giving it another go, but with one pretty big adaptation.

I will be posting a poem a day onto this lovely blog. So most of the time I'll post whatever poem I wrote that day. But there's a good chance I'll write something I really like and may even consider publishing, in which case I will not put it up. On those days I'll probably put up another poem from some published poet to replace my own work, because there are just so many beautiful poems in the world.

So anyway, without further ado, the first poem of April 2015:

Growing Up and Doing My Own Laundry

I

Am alone today,

Just me and a camel, owl, knight, lizard, lego-ninja

Sitting here in this messy room

Wishing we could just stay kids.

Everything in adult life

Feels much too complicated,

Trying to eat dryer sheets

While I fold myself inside the washer

I never could quite fit.

But today there’s a list,

One of the many I scribble out every day,

To do today:

What I need to get done:

Work:

Homework:

Do These:

And I have

Three out of twelve crossed off

And don’t want to do the rest.

I need to wash my clothes,

But three dollars is so much

And the basement is so far from the second floor.

I’ll do it tomorrow,

Or the next day.

Maybe this weekend.

It’s funny that a poem

Counts as work for this list,

But I guess I can’t complain.

I’m alone today,

And stuffed into adulthood

 that doesn’t fit

And that’s just how life is

And I don’t get to play with toys

And be a little kid.

I just have to watch the camel

And write this poem.

Surviving College

How to survive college in ten easy steps... or fighting depression 101. Just kidding, I'm not going to give you a list of ways to fight depression in college. It might be nice if I had such a list, but I'm sure they exist out there in the world wide web. After all, depression seems to be a sickeningly normal thing for college students, especially here up North where the sun disappears for half the year.

I don't want to say that I'm depressed, I've never been to a counselor or doctor or anything, and I can usually still function and have never been to the point where I absolutely needed help. But there's definitely something that makes college hard. Some weight on my chest that makes me choke. Something holding my throat to try and keep me from getting out of bed in the mornings.


I don't want to complain, though, or make you feel sorry for me, or anything. I cried at least once a day every day the week after spring break, and it was so hard. But it's been so much better these last few days, and for me writing has always been a way to cope. I know I'm doing better because I can write about this. Last week there's no way I would have had the energy to write a blog post.

So this blog is all about the girl behind the pages, but even while I hide behind the pages sometimes I feel like I cannot exist until I've written myself into the pages in some way. This blog is me getting better. Me admitting that this first year of college has not been the best year of my life.

But this is also me hoping. Hoping that I'll keep getting better. That I'll find joy in the mornings, that I'll take pride in my work, that I'll seek out my friends. This is me taking off the mask and praying that what's underneath will still be shaped into a smile.

It's also a confession that novels have suffered because of this darkness, but a finger-crossing that maybe some of the poems I've spat out have some potential.

In class we talk a lot about how grief, shadows, and pain can lead to great writing. So here's to new writing and the beginning of spring, which I hope to be a sort of turning point. Just four weeks of school left, and I know that words will carry me through.

Spring Break!

Last week I got a beautiful break from campus chaos. I got to go visit my amazing boyfriend and his family in Texas for a week of not so bitter cold and less obligations.

Granted, I did get all kinds of sick half way through my week, and rather than relaxing and resting from school I ended up resting because I had no choice and couldn't muster the energy to get up off the couch.

However, I should point out that I wasn't sick enough to lose card games, and still managed to beat my boyfriend in almost every card game we played. I didn't quite win at Nertz, but I was close second. And when my boyfriend and I teamed up for a game of Settlers of Catan, we totally destroyed the other players in our wonderful victory.

I was hoping for a really dramatic exciting post about the break, but in reality we didn't do anything dramatic. I spent a lot of time playing cards, and several hours curled up next to my boyfriend in the car, and we watched lots of movies and episodes of Parks and Recreation, and just enjoyed finally being in the same place again.

It's so good to be in the same place, and without school in the background and without homework and classes to tear us about before we can have a full conversation. I definitely wish the break had been longer than just one week. I could use another break already.

The whole week was wonderful (besides the sickness) but one of my favorite memories from the week was Thursday morning. My boyfriend's whole family and I were staying in this weird little hotel-like thing for missionaries, and we had to wake up early to go to the next place where we were going to stay. Once we were awake we had to wait for about an hour for a load of wash to finish.

This was right at the beginning of my sickness, and I wasn't feeling great but trying to suppress the sickness and pretend like I was okay. Anyway, my boyfriend made me a giant mug of coffee and we sat down on the couch to wait. (Sitting next to him on the couch is one of the most comfortable things in the world.) And anyway, he said that he had come into the room late the night before after working on job applications and such, and had been laying there trying to sleep and feeling annoyed at the array of snoring in the room when all of a sudden across the room I giggled in my sleep (something I actually do rather frequently) and he "fell asleep smiling like a fool".

For some reason hearing him tell me that I laugh in my sleep was one of the cutest things, and then we sat and talked about the Bible story I had read that morning and other strange Bible stories and verses hidden in the pages of the Bible and I just love talking to him so much.

He is one of those people I can sit next to in silence and still be bubbling with happiness, but he's also one of those people I can open up with and talk to about anything. Talking to him feels so easy compared to other people. So normal.

And coffee, well coffee in the morning is just wonderful. It makes everything better.

So, now I've finished my gushing, cheesy post.

I just had a wonderful week with a wonderful man and I can't help but gush a little bit and remind myself of that happiness now that I'm back in this cage of college.

And writing? Well, let's just say Equity will take a turn, and I may actually end up facing the Whisperers again for a while instead of Equity Blue. Is that crazy? That's crazy, isn't it? But, hey, sometimes a writer has to do what a writer has to do.

An Update on Me

A friend of mine recently challenged me to participate in this 26 books to read this year challenge. Of course, I couldn't say no.

So, I'm not going to read the books in order, because that just seems way too simple. So I started off with reading a book I was supposed to read in school. This ended up being more of a bad choice than anything, because the book was slightly awful, but I had to read it anyway.

So my first book of the challenge is The Circle by Dave Eggers. Plot was okay, interesting ideas for sure and definitely gave me something to think about. But, as much as I hate to say this, the writing was somewhat lacking and definitely boring at some parts. But I didn't skim at all, and forced myself to stick through it and read the whole thing anyway.

I've also been writing a lot for classes and working on Equity again, and reading and reviewing a ton of poetry and basically just being surrounded by all things writing. I'm even back working as a mentor for a group of middle schoolers in this program called Word Play, which is all about trying to get them excited about writing. It's great.

Other than that, there isn't all that much to say. Sixteen hours of class, ten hours of work, however many hours of homework, and a lot of freezing cold wind and snow outside. Life is, well, it's life. I try to spend as much time as I can curled up with a blanket and tea in my room reading or writing instead of wandering out into the cold.

What Does it Mean?

What does it mean to be a Christian?

I skipped church today, for the first time this year, and slept in an extra two hours and watched a sermon on my own. And the truth is, I went through a massive debate in my mind the night before, trying to figure out if skipping church was an okay thing to do. I guess you could say that wanting to get more sleep and avoid the ten degree weather outside are bad reasons to sleep through church.

But the truth is-- it's not about what I do. See, I'm broken and sinful and weak. I mess up, constantly, and sometimes getting out of bed in the morning really does feel like the most difficult thing in the world. I cried through worship last Sunday because all I could see were the families sitting together in church and the very, very empty chairs on either side of me. And this morning, I just couldn't do it.

There's that part of me that wants to be able to say I go to church every Sunday and do all the good "Christian" things. That part of me is right sometimes, and knows that the only way I can build a solid church community is by going to church. But that part of me is also selfish, and wants to do things on my own. That part of me forgets that I am saved not because of me, but because of God.

And trust me, God doesn't need me to be at church in order to speak to me.

Over the last week I've been reading through the book of Exodus, and I'm now at that part when God is telling Moses how to set up the temple. I just read chapter 28, the entire thing about how Aaron's clothes should look. I find myself wondering how important attaching pomegranates and bells at the bottom of the vest really is. Does God really care what Aaron wears? Does God really care whether I sit through a church service or listen to a sermon and songs online?

I don't have the answers, you know, in case you were hoping I might. I just know that I'm broken and sinful and weak. I know that God is perfect and sinless and strong. I know that somehow, He uses all things together for His good, for His plan.

And I know that He wants my complete and total devotion. He wants every ounce of my love. He wants me to be able to pull myself out of bed and brave the freezing half hour walk to church. But He also knows my heart, and He understands when life just gets too hard and what I need most of all is to spend time alone in His presence. He knows. He knows everything, and He loves me so much more than I can understand.

That's what it means to me to be a Christian. To live in God's love, always and forever, no matter what.

One Word at a Time

So I waited too long to write about Christmas break, and now it feels like I've been back in Burlington for years instead of just a week and a half. I'm tempted to ramble about how difficult Journalism class is or how much I enjoy Creative Writing or why in the world I'm taking Japanese.

But I think I'll go back to Christmas break, even if it's just to remind me that there are times in my life when I am so happy I don't know what to do with myself.

I started out the break with an amazing birthday party full of Scottish line dancing, and then I spent a few days in the mountains playing cards and going on hikes. I then went on an overnight hike to this gorgeous lake, and then I went to this retreat thing with a bunch of friends and we went on another hike. So yeah, I spent a lot of time outside, soaking up the beautiful sunshine.

I also spent a lot of time watching movies and random episodes of TV shows my dad, mom, and brother were watching. I had forgotten just how wonderful it feels to curl up on the couch with someone and watch a story unfold and just enjoy the presence of someone else.

Man, I miss that.

I got to see my boyfriend at least once a day for a whole month, which is so amazing considering it had been about four months since the last time I'd seen him. This time we only have to push through two months, though of course that will be more than long enough.

I also got to go on a little bike ride with my little brother, and I got to see how much he's grown up in the months I'd been gone. He's turning into quite the man now. I was amazed by how far he rides on his new birthday bike and how ridiculously daring or foolish or whatever he is.

And I don't want to talk about my parents, because today's been a good day and I've been smiling, and I don't want to mess that up by missing them too much. Moving out of the house is a lot harder than I thought it would be, but maybe that's only if you do it the way I did- yanking myself away completely and moving to another continent and then another country. I wish they were closer sometimes.

Unfortunately, as far as writing goes I really didn't do a thing. One poem for my boyfriend and a couple of ranting journal entries on the one or two off days. I didn't even open Equity Blue the whole month. I still haven't. Maybe this weekend I'll find the motivation to get back to Equity, but I'll allow myself to take the break and work on fitting into Vermont life again first. One thing at a time, life's too hard to do anything else. One step at a time, or more importantly in my case, one word at a time.

Reader's Problems Tag

So, I'm moving up in the world. Rachel found my blog and invited my to join the Reader's Problems Tag which includes answering questions about reading. So, Rachel's Blog, "Rachel's Reading Corner" is awesome and you should definitely go check it out! 

Now, my answers to these book related questions. (Because seriously, who needs to study for finals?) 

You have 20,000 books on your TBR. How in the world do you decide what to read next?

 I mean, I make lists of books I should read, but when it comes to it and I'm choosing what book to read next the answer is always just whatever book happens to be nearby. So, if you really want me to read a book, the only way to be sure I'll read it is if you hand me a copy. 

 

You're halfway through a book and you're just not loving it. Do you commit or are you committed?

If I don't like a book I feel no obligation to finish it. There are too many good books in the world to spend time reading a book I don't love. An important exception is One Hundred Years of Solitude which I've been fighting through for just about a year now. I will finish it. Eventually.

How do you determine which book from your TBR pile to read next?

Hm... Isn't this basically the same as the first question? In any case, my answer is the same.

The end of the year is coming and you're so close, but too far away on your Goodreads reading challenge. Do you try to catch up and how?

  I would try to catch up... but I definitely wouldn't stress about it. I mean, there's always next year. Plus, I tend to set impossible goals. That way even if I fail I still got higher than if I'd set some piddly goal I knew I could meet.

 

The covers of a series you love do not match. How do you cope?

Ooooh. That would drive me crazy. I don't know how I would cope. I guess I would just have to read faster so that I could finish them and pretend like I never even noticed the mis-matched covers. 

Everyone and their mother likes a book you didn't enjoy. Who do you bond with over shared feelings?

I try to just deal with it and bit my tongue. Everyone gets their own opinion, right? Besides, I know that I've read books I really liked even if I can completely understand why other people don't. So I shouldn't try to force my dislike on them.

 

You're reading a book in public and you're about to start crying. What do you do?

  I just cry. Books and movies make me way too emotional sometimes and there's nothing I can do about it. I suppose I would lift the book to hide my face though and pretend like I just had bad allergies. I would probably also try to take a five minute break from the book to calm myself down and get back to the real world.

 

A sequel of a book you loved just came out but you've forgotten a lot from the prior novel. Do you go back and reread the book, skip the sequel, read the synopsis, cry  of frustration or what?

Honestly I just keep reading and trust that eventually the second book will make sense on its own. I don't usually have enough time to reread the first, and I'm just too lazy to find a synopsis...

 

You don't want anyone to borrow your books. How do you politely tell them that when they ask you for one of your books to borrow?

No way. I hardly ever buy books so I rely completely on borrowing books from others, so I would never say no to people borrowing the few books I have. I think of people reading my books as a huge honor and compliment. 

You've picked up and put down five book in the past month. How do you get over these sorts of reading slumps?

I take a break and just let myself not read. Maybe it's time to go crazy writing. When I am really inspired with a novel I'm writing I usually don't read very much, and I think that's okay. 

There are so many new books coming out that you're dying to read. How many do you buy? 

  Yeah, I don't usually buy books. I let other people buy them for me, or borrow them from friends with similar taste. Or, now that I live in the wonderful USA I can just go to a Library and check out a book. Such excitement, and way cheaper. 

Looks like that's all for these questions. Feel free to leave your own answers in the comments or disagree with anything I said. I am a bit more careless with books than many book lovers. I mean, books are important, but the story itself is the most important part. I don't think that makes sense. I should go study for finals. Or, better yet, I should get some sleep before my 8:00am final tomorrow.